Monday, June 6, 2011

I THINK i want a baby....

I just dont know what I want right now.
Some days I think yes, yes I do want a baby, then other days im like no, im in no rush for another baby.
I done my pros and cons, I still cant decide.
On one hand Im perfectly content with my beautiful little girl, She is just now getting to the age she can do things for herself, she is big enough to go to the carnivals and ride the rides, go on fun vacations, dress herself, etc. Which means Im finally able to focus on myself a little more and  go back to work,go back to school,when she starts school in August.
Not to mention I dont want to start back to school or work and have to stop right in the middle again to have another child, Im not ready to have to change diapers, carry a diaper bag, make bottles, be up half the night, miss out on Las Vegas vacations,and it would make taking Destiny camping much more difficult. Im also a tad afraid that she wont beable to get the love and attention she gets now. I know its gonna sound stupid but Im also a tad afriad I wont beable to love the next one as much as I love her, she is my whole heart and I just cant imagine having any love left to give to another child.

But on the on the other hand, Destiny is already asking for a baby now that she has a little cousin and her other cousin just had a baby brother.... I also think she gets lonely, I mean I can only play barbies and babies for so long and so much. I hate to watch her at the park playing alone, I hate watching her in the front yard just wandering around because she has no one to play with, It breaks my heart. I know I want her to  have a sibling, because heaven forbid something should happen to me and johnny I want her to have a brother/sister to lean on and understand what she is going through. I know Johnny, Destiny and Myself are just getting older and if there was a right time in our lives its now.
Truth be told I just want to leave it up to god, but thats hard to do when I have the mirena which prevents pregnaucy  for 5yrs, but I feel like going to the doc and having it removed is making the desicion to have another one....kinda defeats the purpose of letting god decide, huh?
Realisticly I probably should have had my second child a long time ago, but we just werent ready for that and Im still not sure we are now and Im also a tad afraid I will have a boy- I just dont feel like a boy mom.
Listening to boy moms talk about things boys do,go through, etc just doesnt sound exciting at all!!!
I dont want to to have to deal with circumsision, I dont what to deal with holding it all the time as he gets older, I dont want to deal with mud and bugs, I dont want to deal with ruff and tumbly fights...etc.
Im not saying that I wont love it just because its a boy or anything like that, because I would love him... It just doesnt sound very exciting thats all.
I believe Johnny is just as flip floppy on the situation to.... He just wants me to make the decison and not bother him with the if ands or buts.... He would be happy either way. Men can be so unhelpful!! All he cares is that if  we do have an other one he wants a boy.
And I would have to put off school/work for another 3-4yrs and I dont know that Im prepared to do that right now.
My mother on the other hand wants me to hurry up and have another baby and she doesnt care what it
Argh... I just dont know.......

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